Harder Than You Know
by christinuhhh
Summary: When a tragedy strikes young couple Meredith Grey & Derek Shepherd, their relationship goes through the hardest things any couple can face. Can they survive? Rated T for language. I'm bad a summaries, I know. Check it out & Review :
1. Harder Than You Know

**Hey guys(: This summer has been so hectic, it's unbelievable. I figured I'd have nothing to do, but since I got my license... not so much, haha.** **I've been thinking about writing this for a long time, but wasn't able to find the right lyrics to fit it. I'm pretty sure I found them. This is Harder Than You Know by Escape The Fate. ( **.com/watch?v=mBhccqEEWI0** ) There's the link to the song, if you want to check it out. Please Read&Reveiw. Thanks! -Christina.**

_You said this could only get better.  
There's no rush, 'cause we have each other.__  
You said this would last forever,__  
But now I doubt if I was your only lover.  
Are we just lost in time?  
I wonder if your love's the same.  
'Cause I'm not over you  
Baby, don't talk to me.  
I'm trying to let go  
Not loving you is harder then you know.  
'Cause girl you're driving me so crazy _

A light knock on the hard wooden door woke Meredith Grey up from the only sleep she had finally achieved. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, Mom," The eighteen year old shut her eyes tightly and rolled away from her mother, hoping she'd understand the not-so-subtle hint.

"I called Doctor Wyatt-" Ellis started, but Meredith almost jumped out of bed at that sound of that name. "Meredith."

"No. I don't need a freaking shrink again, Mom. I'm fine. All I really want is to be left alone."

"Well, I don't want you alone right now, Meredith. What you've been going through these past two years… you don't need to be alone."

"_Well,_ what I want is my boyfriend, but he's so distant right now, I don't even know what to do."

"Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. You're both hurting right now-"

Meredith scoffed. "I thought you were a general surgeon, not a psychiatrist."

"I'm a mother. I'm _your _mother."

"Really? That's funny because I've never noticed that before," Meredith sunk back under her covers and turned away. "I'm not going suicidal so, hey, let me fucking sleep."

"I'll be back in the morning." Ellis turned on her heel and was about to leave, but sighed. "I love you, Meredith."

She couldn't respond. Meredith didn't want her mother to know she was crying, so she didn't utter a single word back.

_How can I miss you if you never would stay?  
If you need time I guess I'll go away.  
Inside me now there's only heartache and pain.  
So where's the fire?  
You've become the rain.  
Are we just lost in time?  
I wonder if your love's the same 'cause I'm not over you.  
Baby, don't talk to me I'm trying to let go  
Not loving you is harder then you know,  
('cause girl your driving me so crazy) _

"Knock, knock," Angela Shepherd walked into her only son's bedroom and took a seat on his computer chair. "How are you doing?"

"I've been better," Derek was tossing a basketball in the air, repeatedly. "You?"

"The same," She sighed. "You should be at that hospital right now, Derek. Your girlfriend needs you."

"Every time I walk into that building, someone I love, dies. First Dad, then Uncle Andrew, Cody, and now…" He threw the basketball at the wall, not caring what it was going to hit next.

"Honey-"

"No. _Nothing _is going to make this better."

"Meredith still needs you. And you need her. You two need to be going through this together." Angela rose to her feet. "Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital."

"I have plans." Derek quickly wiped his eyes before his Mom could see how much everything was effecting him. "I need to just get away and not think about everything."

"This isn't something you can run away from, Derek. "

"Running away would mean me never talking to my girlfriend again. That is not my intention. I just need... me-time right now."

"This is the last piece of advice I'm giving you. Go see Meredith, Derek. She needs you and you need her."

"I will see her. When I'm ready, I will see her."

_And if you don't want me then I guess I'll have to go..  
Not loving you is harder then you know.  
Yeah  
So I'll make the call, and I'll leave today  
I'm gonna miss you 'cause I love you baby  
Yeah, I'll make the call I'm leaving today _

"Doctor Jameson?" Angela Shepherd walked up to the OB/GYN that was on call when Meredith was rushed into the emergency room.

"Mrs. Shepherd, correct?" The young doctor closed the chart she was reading and looked at the older women.

"Yes. I was just wondering, if you have time, of course, if you could explain to me, again, what happened?"

"Of course. Why don't we go talk in a private area." Sarah Jameson led Angela to a conference room, then proceeded to close the door. "Meredith had a placental abruption. In plain English it means that the placenta detached from the uterus. As I'm sure you know the placenta is the only connection to the mother for blood and other necessities."

"And there was absolutely nothing you could do?"

"In some cases, the placenta doesn't completely detach and there is a chance of saving both the mother's and the baby's life, but in Meredith's case, there was too much damage and we had to save her life."

"I understand." She slowly nodded.

"Mrs. Shepherd, I can only imagine how hard this is for you and your family. If you or your son or anyone else wants to talk, we have grief counselors available here."

"I'm a little concerned for Derek, honestly. I think he doesn't want to accept that this happened."

"He's in denial. He just lost his daughter."

"I'm going to try to get him to talk to someone. He really needs it." Angela put her head in her hands.

_Leaving always drives me crazy  
Baby, don't talk to me I'm trying to let go.  
Not loving you is harder  
Then you know,  
Yeah  
Baby, don't talk to me I'm trying to let go  
(I'm trying to let go)  
Not loving you is harder  
Then you know,  
('cause girl your driving me so crazy) _

"Just give me the fucking bottle," Derek finally snapped at his best friend who let out a sigh and passed him the bottle scotch.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No." Derek took a long sip of the alcohol in his hands and breathed a sigh of relief. It's a fix. Only a temporary fix, but something.

"Derek. Come on," Mark Sloan could see the hurt that Derek was going through. He's seen it before. When they were fourteen and Jonathan Shepherd was murdered in his own shop, Derek turned to alcohol. The same went for his uncle and their friend Cody. It was his vice. The thing Mark knew, though, was it would just be tonight, _maybe _tomorrow, then he would stop. "You know you need to be at that hospital."

"Visiting hours are over," He mumbled.

"Meredith's step-dad runs the place. I really don't think they're going to stop you from seeing your girlfriend at eight o'clock at night."

"I just need to think, Mark," With that, Derek took another long sip from the bottle in his hands.

_And if you don't want me then I guess I'll hav'ta go!  
__(I guess I'll hav'ta go)  
not loving you is harder then you know  
(girl your driving me so crazy)  
Baby, don't talk to me I'm trying to let go. __Not loving you is harder,  
then you know, girl your driving me so crazy._


	2. The Webs We Weave

**Please, Please, Please Review(: Thank you to those who did(:**

"Hi, Mrs. Shepherd," Mark picked up Derek's phone the sixth time it rang the next morning.

"Mark?"

"Yeah, uh, Derek's still sleeping and I figured I'd answer his phone… and yeah, here we are." Mark mumbled.

Angela smiled, slightly. "How is he? What did you two end up doing last night? Nothing stupid, I hope."

"No, nothing stupid," Mark forced himself to lie while looking at the empty bottle of scotch on the ground. "As soon as Derek wakes up, I think he was going over to the hospital."

"Good. He really needs to." Angela let out a sigh. "Just have him call me when he has the chance?"

"Of course. Bye, Mrs. Shepherd," He hung up the phone as soon as she said goodbye as well. "Dude, get up."

"Fuck," He pulled a pillow over his head. "I'm not getting up."

"You had your fun last night," Mark turned on the lights and took away his own pillow. "Cut the shit because your girlfriend really needs you. Do you know how many texts she sent me because you were too drunk to answer? Just go take a shower, then I'll drive you to the hospital."

"Whatever," He grumbled.

"No. Now."

"Fuck off," Derek pushed past him and into the bathroom, slamming the door.

x.x.x

"Meredith?"

"Iz!" Meredith sat up and wrapped her arms around her best friend. "Holy shit, I thought you were in West Virginia?"

"I had to come back," The blonde college student frowned, then took a seat at the edge of Meredith's hospital bed. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm… I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Meredith you los-"

"I know what happened," Meredith looked away. "Okay, I'm not fine, but I… I don't know. I feel like it's my fault."

"This isn't your fault, baybay." Izzie told her. "There was nothing you or anyone else could do."

"I know."

"You want Derek, right?"

Meredith shut her eyes and tried to stop the tears from coming, but couldn't hold back. "I want him, Iz, I want him here, right now."

"I'll go call him." Izzie kissed her friend's forehead before walking outside the hospital room. "And I was just about to call you."

"Hey, Izzie," Derek said as she quickly hugged him, but stopped short and jerked back. "What?"

"You smell like alcohol," She narrowed her eyes. "You drank last night? Honestly?" Izzie whispered harshly.

"We all need our vices," He rolled his eyes and walked past her, into Meredith's room. "Baby."

"Derek?" She wiped her eyes as he laid down next to her, then wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I'm here." He held on tight to his girlfriend. "I'm here for you, honey."

Meredith cried into his chest and tried to calm herself down. She could easily smell the alcohol on him, but right now she couldn't say anything. She wouldn't. She didn't want to start a fight for no reason when she needed him. "I want to get out of here."

"Me too, baby. When can you leave?"

"I don't know. Whenever my mom says I can go home." She swallowed hard. "Derek… everything's gonna be… everywhere. I can't-"

"I'll take care of it."

"When I get out of here," Meredith swallowed back even more tears, "Can we go see Cody?"

"Of course," Derek let out a breath of air. "I miss him."

"Me too."

"_This is scary," Meredith bit her lip, looking up at her new high school. "How many student go here again?"_

"_Probably about 3600, I think?" Izzie, who was a sophomore, laughed at her best friend._

"_Awesome." She sighed. "Okay. Let's do this."_

"_Okay," Izzie shook her head as the two headed into the high school. "So, you're a freshman. Usually, you'll eat in there, but since you got connections with me, you're gonna eat outside by the practice field."_

"_Practice field," Meredith nodded._

"_Uhm, just be careful with dress code bullshit, cause they always try to catch freshman and sophomores the most." Izzie continued._

"_Whaddup, skank?"_

"_Fuck you, Sloan," Izzie laughed at her one friend who walked down the hallway. "Where's your besties?"_

"_Derek's in the office and Cody's getting driven in, so he's in the senior parking lot? I think."_

"_Oh, This is Meredith. Meredith that's Mark. He's a frosh who thinks he runs it all." Izzie rolled her eyes._

"_Cause I do, baby." Mark laughed. "I'll see you at lunch."_

"_Anyway." They kept down the hallway. "They're probably going to be the 'popular' freshman or whatever. Mark Sloan, Derek Shepherd, and Cody Sadler."_

"_So much info in one day," Meredith laughed._

"_You'll survive. But, oh my god, Cody is so fucking hot. Like you see at lunch, but _damn._"_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah," Izzie nodded. "I could so see him and you though."_

"_Shut up."_

"_No, seriously. Like. Legit."_

"_Like legit?" Meredith smirked._

"_Bite me."_


	3. As I'm Falling Down

**Please Review(:**

"Mom, when can I go home?" Meredith finally managed to sit all the up in her bed. Derek was getting food in the cafeteria and Izzie was on the phone with her mother in the hallway.

"A few days."

"Why? I'm fine. I just want to go home." She looked up, forcing the most fake smile she had ever had to put on in her life.

"Honey," Ellis sat on the side of her bed. "You are not fine. Physically, your body has lost so much blood. Your hormones are all over the place. And Mentally… Meredith, you just lost your child."

"Stop talking." She adverted her eyes as if she was trying to hide.

"You need to face this."

"Do you think I want to face the fact that my daughter just died?" Meredith finally snapped. "I wanted her. Both Derek and I were ready to be parents. We were ready to move in together and raise our daughter the right way. And all of that was taken away from me in a heartbeat. I don't want to fucking think about it, because when I do, I want to drag a fucking blade across my arm and not wake up when you find me in the bathroom this time!"

"I'm calling Dr. Wyatt."

"Whatever. Fucking call her, I don't care. Just get out of my room." Meredith said as Ellis just sighed, but got up nonetheless. Izzie came inside soon after. "Sorry."

"You should talk to Wyatt." Izzie grabbed one of her hands.

"Maybe." Meredith nodded. "So uhm… Derek, before. Did he… He didn't smell… do you think he was drinking last night?"

"Honest opinion?" Izzie sighed and Meredith nodded. "Yeah. He just… he looked hungover and he smelt like straight up liquor."

"Damnit."

"I think you should talk to him about it. You needed him last night."

"I know. But if I had the option, I'd probably be drinking myself."

"Not the point, Meredith."

"I know." Meredith laid back down and stared at the perfectly white ceiling. She probably wouldn't have been drinking if she had the option, actually. She couldn't get her baby off of her mind. She couldn't comprehend why her life had suddenly shifted in this direction.

"_My teacher hates me. I bumped into some senior girl, knocking her phone on the ground, so she pretty much threatened to kill me. I feel like I'm gonna puke. And there are no hot guys in _any _of my classes so far. I hate high school," Meredith finally looked up to see that her and Izzie weren't the only ones in their lunch spot. "And I'm an idiot." She put her head in her hands._

"_Okay. Your electives are later in the day so calm the fuck down, you'll get at least one hot guy. Seniors are bitches, pretty much. And teachers here just blow."_

"_I thought that was your job, Iz," Derek Shepherd smirked._

"_Okay, I cant easily beat your ass."_

"_Make it rough."_

_Izzie just gave up; it so wasn't worth it. "This is Meredith. That's Derek, Mark, from this morning, and that's Cody."_

"_What's up?" Cody nodded towards her._

"_Hey," She managed to get out._

"_What the fuck," Cody flipped open his phone. "You want to stop blowing up my phone now?" He groaned. "No, see I broke up with you because you're a dumb bitch who cheated on me with your brother's best friend. Have a nice fucking life."_

"_Jess cheated on you?" Derek laughed._

"_Yeah," He sighed. "Fuck, I need a party."_

"_My house on Friday, smarty," Izzie laughed. "Baybay, you're coming and sleeping at my house."_

"_Okay," Meredith nodded._

"My mom wants me to talk to my old shrink." Meredith looked up at Derek. "I don't know if I'm going to."

"Maybe you should, baby." Derek ran his fingers through her hair.

"Why does everything in my life go wrong? I'm losing everyone, Derek." She shut her eyes.

"It's only going to get easier, honey." Dropping a kiss on her temple, Derek continued. "You should talk to Wyatt."

"Maybe you should talk to her too." Meredith looked up at him. "You know alcohol isn't going to solve anything." Biting her lip, Meredith waited for a response. She didn't want to upset him, but she knew she needed to address this with him.

Derek stiffened, momentarily. "I never said it would."

"Derek. You can't just drown your sorrows, or whatever. I'm hurting too and all I want is for you to talk to me."

"Wow. I'm not drowning my _fucking _sorrows, Meredith." He got off the bed, then glanced at his cell phone. "I should go."

"Stop leaving me," She toyed with the edge of the blanket, not having enough courage to meet his glance.

"I'm not leaving you," He rapped his hand against the door frame. "I just need some space to think, okay?"

"Just go, alright?"

"Fine." He left the room and slammed the door behind himself; taking all his pent up anger out in that moment.

"Asshole," Meredith laid back down in her bed and took a few deep breaths. She flipped open her phone and dialed her mother's number. "Can you come in my room really quickly?"

"Hold on, honey. I'll be right there."

"Okay."

Meredith sat up and let her feet dangle off the edge of her bed. Honestly, all she wanted right now was to go back to school to finish the rest of her senior year. Only the rest of March through June and she was done. She needed to focus on something that didn't make her feel like this all the time. "Everything okay?"

"I know I have to stay here, but all I'm on is saline right now. I really need to go see Cody."

"I don't know if that's the best thing for you right now." Ellis leaned against the door frame.

"Mom, I think it is. I just need to get out all of my emotions, right now? Please?"

"I think about it."


	4. You Had Me At Hello

**Hey guys! (: Thanks for the reviews so far. Just a heads up that the next few updates are going to be flashbacks. It kind of explains how Meredith and Derek got to where they are right now. And yes, this is MerDer, don't worry. Okay, please review(: -xoChrisssss**

_September 2007 (Freshman Year)_

Meredith nervously paced across Izzie's bedroom, scared to make her way downstairs. "What's taking you so long?" Izzie poked her head in.

"I'm a loser?" She laughed. "I'm pretty much rocking out my hooker looks right now. What am I thinking, again?"

"Pretty sure a jean skirt and a white polo does not classify you as a hooker. Just saying." Izzie completely walked inside her room and shut the door behind herself. "Here."

Meredith wrapped her fingers around the red cup. "What is it?"

"Red bull and Vodka. It'll calm you down."

She slowly brought it to her lips and took what probably shouldn't even be considered a sip. "That's pretty good."

"Exactly. Now let's go downstairs. You know who's looking pretty damn hot?" Izzie laughed.

"Who?"

"Cody."

"Iz, he's like gorgeous and I'm like… me." Meredith shrugged.

"Okay, so that's exactly why he told me he thought you were cute after lunch on Wednesday. I get it."

"No."

"Yes," Izzie laughed and pretty much pushed Meredith down the stairs at the same time. "Look who I found."

"Shut up," Meredith could feel herself turn a light shade of pink. "I was just getting ready."

Cody smiled. "Whatcha drinking?"

"Vodka and Red bull," She took another small sip.

"Hard alcohol," He nodded in approval. "Impressive. Just don't jump back and forth to beer."

"Why not?"

"Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker." Cody, Mark, and Derek all said in unison.

"I'll write that down," Meredith laughed as she finished her drink. "Iz, Make me another-" She started, but Cody had already grabbed her cup and started mixing another drink.

"I made the first one," He smiled.

"Well, you're awesome, then," She laughed.

"I try." He handed the solo cup back to her. "Enjoy."

"Thanks." She smiled.

x.x.x

"So, he's adorable, right?" Izzie and Meredith were outside sitting next to the pool that a few people were swimming around in.

"Oh, my god, yes. And he's like really nice and not a dick. Those are pretty damn good qualities in a person, you know."

"You're so drunk." Izzie laughed.

"I love you, Iz. You're the bestest."

"Here comes the 'I love yous'," Izzie laid down on the concrete when she heard someone running towards them. "Fall into the pool and I'll laugh."

"Iz, your parents are home." Derek said breathless. "Trying to get everyone to leave asap."

"Fuck!" Izzie jumped up and quickly helped Meredith to her feet as well. "My parents are gonna call your Mom. Shit." She put her head in her hands. "Cody!"

"Yeah?" He walked over in that direction.

"Mine and Meredith's parents are friends and Mer's Mom will kill her and you get where I'm going with this so I need you to take her home, like now."

"My mom's home, Iz." Meredith bit her lip. "I'm dead."

"Crash at my house." Cody offered. "Iz, I'll text you when we get to my house."

"Okay, good. Love you, babe," Izzie quickly hugged her friend before running inside her house.

Cody linked arms with her, to help her walk in a straight line, as they got off of Izzie's property and onto the main road. "My parent's aren't going to be home, so don't worry."

"Okay," She swallowed hard.

Cody helped her into his own house, which wasn't a far distance from Izzie's house, and brought her past the living room, occupied by his older brother and his friends, and into his own room. "You're pale. You okay?"

She covered her mouth quickly and Cody immediately brought her into the bathroom, where he held her hair back while she emptied the contents of her stomach. "This is so embarrassing," She coughed.

"You drank a lot, babe. We've all been there," He assured her. "I'm going to get you something to sleep in and be right back."

"Okay."

Cody left his own room and headed towards the laundry room. "Yo," Chad, his college-freshman, older brother followed him. "You getting with that?"

"Nah. She's just a friend."

"Who's completely wasted," He shook his head. "If she's dtf, go for it, man."

Cody just rolled his eyes. "No. I'm not _that _much of a dick, Chad." He grabbed his sweatshirt and a pair of his shorts and headed back into his room, then into his bathroom. "Here. You can wear this to sleep in."

"Thank you," She took the two piece of clothing from him and closed the bathroom door. Cody set up a place for him to sleep on the ground while she changed.

"Bed. Go." He smiled.

"I don't want to steal your bed," She bit her lip.

"Just lay down," Cody shook his head. Meredith reluctantly agreed and he made sure she was comfortable. "Can I say something completely and totally guy-ish right now?"

"Hmmm?"

"You look really cute in my clothes."

"Shut up," Meredith laughed as she slowly started to drift to sleep.

"Night, drunky."

"Night."


	5. Here's To The Past

The bright sunlight hit Meredith like a ton of bricks. Letting out a groan, she pulled a pillow over her head. "Fuck."

"Rough night?"

Meredith jumped up and her eyes went wide. "What… Wh- uhm… What happened? Why am I here?" She glanced down. "_Wearing your clothes?_"

"Izzie's parent's came home early last night. Your Mom was also home, so I figured you could crash here." Cody looked up from his phone. "And I highly doubt you wanted to sleep in a skirt."

"I puked last night, didn't I?" She put her head in her hands. "I'm such an idiot."

"Stop saying that," He looked at her. "You're not an idiot, okay?"

"Okay," She bit her lip and slowly laid back down. "What the hell was I drinking last night?"

"Vodka and Red Bull, I think you had three," He sat at the end of his bed. "You're a lightweight."

"I figured that one out," She sighed.

"Yo, Cody," Chad opened the door. "Mom and Dad are going to be home in five minutes. You need a ride… or something?"

"Need a ride home?" Cody looked at Meredith who nodded.

x.x.x

"So, this is my house," Meredith pushed open her door. "Let me just change and I'll give you your clothes back."

"I told you I don't need them back right away," He laughed.

"Too bad, I'll be right back." Meredith made her way upstairs and into her bedroom. She changed into skinny jeans and a blue camisole before walking back downstairs. "_Mom_? What are you doing home?" Meredith attempted to hide his clothes in the kitchen where she wouldn't be able to see them.

"I needed to grab a file for an old patient," Ellis crossed her arms over her chest. "What exactly are you doing, Meredith? Who's your friend?"

"Mom, this is Cody. Uhm, I slept at Izzie's last night and he just came over in the morning. No big."

"You know I want to know if anyone's coming over here," She shook her head. "I have to get back to the hospital."

"Have fun," Meredith rolled her eyes as Ellis walked out the front door. "I'm so sorry about that." She paused and looked at him. "Are you okay?"

"I don't think you understand how intimidating your mother is," Cody finally let out the breath he was holding in.

"I'm sorry," She bit her lip as she grabbed his clothes and handed them to him. "I'm not actually used to her being home. That was kind of weird."

"Workaholic?"

"That's an understatement." Meredith sat down on a different couch. "You make really good drinks, by the way."

"I try," He laughed.

"So what's your story?"

"My story?" Cody raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Everyone has a story. What's yours?"

"Well, I'm still just a jersey kid, I guess. I'm just trying to get through school as fast as possible and with as much partying as possible," He smiled, then continued. "I have my brother, who just wants me to get it in with as many chicks as possible, but I'm not like that. My parents… we fight a lot. I understand the workaholic thing. My Mom and Dad are always traveling and I rarely see them. When I do, it's usually screaming that occurs. They think I'm going to follow in their footsteps with the whole business thing, but it's not going to happen. I'm planning on majoring in Criminal Justice and doing something with the law. I'm really just your average guy."

"Nah," Meredith smiled. "An average guy wouldn't have bothered with all of that. You're not average."

"Then what's your story, Ms. Grey?"

"I want to be a surgeon. Like, I'd kill to make it. Part of me thinks that because of who my mother is, it'll be an easy road. I don't want it to be. I like working for my things, you know? It's just like… I want to be able to say I made it here with no help whatsoever."

"Completely understandable." Cody nodded. "That's a really good thing; to have goals like that."

"It's something to work for, I guess."

x.x.x

Meredith flipped open her phone when she walked back into her room later that night. "Hey, Iz."

"Where have you been like all day?"

"Uhm, Cody and I have been hanging out, then we grabbed dinner and I left my phone in my room. I'm sorry."

"You hung out with him all day?" Meredith knew that Izzie was sporting a huge smile on her face.

"Yes, Izzie."

"And?"

"He's really down to earth, but outgoing and really cool," Meredith laid down on her bed.

"_Someonegottacrush_" Izzie coughed.

"I do not. He's nice, so we hung out." Meredith sat up. "That's it."

"_suuure._"


End file.
